Musings
by Aldrean Treu Peri
Summary: The thoughts of a pacing hanyou one splendid summery afternoon.


Musings 

Inuyasha paced around the Bone Eater's Well, growling softly.  It used to be that he was a loner, reliant upon himself because there was no one else to care for him.  After his mother had died there was no one except for Sesshomaru, his half-brother who wanted Inuyasha dead.  He had been alone for as long as he could remember, even when he was with Kikyo.  He had been cocky and brash when he met her, set on obtaining the Shikon no Tama to become a full demon, but things hadn't quite worked out in his favor.

      Kikyo had been strong.  The miko was powerful and her purified arrows could easily slay any youkai that threatened the sacred jewel, but for all his attempts to steal it, Kikyo had never killed him.  He assumed it was because she recognized in him something that was inside of her.  Loneliness.  Necessary strength.  And something else, something almost indescribable.  His life at that point had consisted of getting the Shikon no Tama and that was it.  There was no thought at all to what would happen afterward, to how his life would change, to what he would do once he was a full youkai instead of a hanyou.  His life would have lost all meaning.  Kikyo, lonely in her position as priestess, hardened by years of training and the duty laid upon her, she had had no future.  She was to purify the sacred jewel, she was supposed to remove the curse on it, the bitterness and the tragedy of the jewel, and that was the basic extent of her life.  The Shikon no Tama had been her purpose in life just as it had been his and they were both doomed for it.

      Growing up despised and hunted by humans and youkai alike had made Inuyasha cruel and spiteful.  Having survived as long as he had against the odds and with no one to rely on but himself had made him arrogant and mean.  Why should he have been nice if no one was ever nice to him?  Why should he respect the territory of other youkai or the livestock of humans if no one ever bothered to care for him and ensure that he had a meal and shelter and companionship?  He was doing fine on his own, taking what he wanted or needed to survive and offering nothing in return.  He was something of a legend among the humans; his name struck fear into their hearts, though in all truth he had never killed a human except in self-defense.

      Kikyo had thrown him for a loop.  She was mature, stern, and aloof.  Her position in her village set her apart from the other women, she had accepted the inevitable sadness that the distance brought her, and she bore her burden without regret.  She had never shown weakness until she had met Inuyasha and gotten to know him.  He felt that he was her mistake, the misstep that had lead to her premature demise and his own slumber of fifty years.

      For a year only they had known each other, and for a good portion of that time they had been enemies: he, working to steal the Shikon no Tama, and she protecting it.  Slowly, that had changed.  They had conversed and she had drawn him out of his protective shell a bit, offering a possible escape for the both of them.  He would have to give up his dreams and abandon his heritage, but he would find a place of acceptance and he would have her companionship.  She would have to spurn her duty and sacrifice everything her life had meant.  For two lost souls with no future beyond a pretty bauble known as the Shikon no Tama, it had held possibility.  He had hoped, with doubt and uncertainty and fear, that somehow things could work.

      If he had ever said he trusted her he would have been lying.  Though he had watched her from a distance and spoken to her several times, he did not precisely trust her.  He believed she wouldn't go back on her word and kill him, as she hadn't of yet, but he was still wary of her for he had never really had the chance to trust anyone in his life.  In his childhood he had loved, trusted, and depended on his mother, but she had died when he was young and his memory of her was dim.  Kikyo had a plan that would free her from her duties and would give him a place, but how could he trust her when she would be breaking a vow to protect the Shikon no Tama by using it for personal gain, though it was not wholly selfish personal gain.

      Kikyo could not have fully trusted him either.  He was a hanyou, a creature of horrors and vileness that lived in the whispered stories parents' frightened children with.  His eyes were golden and lent him sight in shadows and darkness, his ears were shaped like triangles and covered with soft, light silver fur that matched the color of his long hair.  He healed much faster than any human, though not as quickly as youkai, and his claws were wickedly sharp and possessed a terrible power he could call upon to lay waste with.  His senses were all enhanced and his speed was dizzying.  He was something dangerous, something that could turn on a person in a heartbeat; he was a feral beast lacking emotions – or so humans usually believed.

      Kikyo, a woman who had to live as though she had no darkness lurking in her heart, who had to be strong in order to fulfill her duty, had seen that he had feelings like any other.  Still though, his hands were stained with blood and she must have known that he was untamed.  She must have harbored some fear that he could lie to her and decide one day on a whim to end her foolishly trusting life.  So, obviously, she could not have trusted him, even if she did occasionally place her life in his hands.

      Inuyasha paused in his pacing and stared at the ground, the grass and earth and pebbles that lay before his bare feet.  Graveside soil, bits of bone, and a fragment of Kagome's soul…that was all that Kikyo was now.  She was a creation driven by the foulness of the emotions that had consumed her even as the fire had consumed her body when she died.  She was worse now than he had ever been rumored to be, full of hatred and lusting for revenge, but she was something more too.  She was certainly not the woman he had known and vaguely befriended.  She was not the woman he had once, idly, daydreamed he could perhaps love one day.  But she was also not the person he wanted on his mind as he returned to his pacing.

      No, it was Kagome he had intended to think about.  He had been frustrated earlier and he had wanted to analyze why only to come to the conclusion that it was Kagome at the root of his irritation.  Partially because she had slipped off through the well to attend to those "tests" of hers, but mostly because of the changes she had wrought within him.

      It used to be that he was a loner, taking care of himself and giving no thought to anyone else.  Now, Kagome couldn't be gone for even a handful of hours without him missing her, without him longing for the companionship she gave.  She had spoilt him.  She had been in the feudal era too long and now he was screwed.  Kagome had pestered and hollered and cared and confided and somehow finagled her way into his heart.  She made him exhibit compassion and consideration, she tried to school him into some semblance of a gentleman…that largely meant that he had given up calling her "bitch" and "wench" and now called her by name, but that was definitely something.

      She tried to patch him up when he was hurt, she rubbed his back comfortingly when smells made him nauseous, she shared her food with him, she felt safe enough in his company to fall asleep at his side or, as had happened a few times, on his back while they were traveling.  Kagome was full of little things, kind gestures and sweet words; he wondered sometimes if she even realized the effect she had on him.  He was no longer the same foul-mouthed and angry hanyou she had inadvertently awoken one day, though he still swore a great deal and he was mad a lot still.

      At first, he could have blamed it all on the rosary Kaeda-baba had put around his neck.  It had given Kagome a certain level of control and it ensured her safety from him.  Gradually, however, he realized that Kagome didn't even need the power of the rosary.  She obviously didn't fear him, though she respected his strength, and really – though he would never tell her so – she didn't need the rosary to command him because he was willing to do things for her if she just asked.  That was a gigantic sign of how much she had changed him.  He _wanted_ to do things for her, not just if she made him by threatening him with the rosary command.  He wondered if, if he told her this, she would stop saying "SIT" as often as she did.

      He rolled his eyes at himself and forced his feet to still once again, golden gaze glancing at the rut in the ground before locking attentively on the mouth of the well.  Forcing his thoughts to settle and be silent, he finally noticed the world around him and the beauty it possessed.  The sun was shining up above with few clouds marring the blueness of the sky, and all around were signs of life: in the flowers that bloomed profusely all about, in the trees that towered not so far away, in the insects that hummed and buzzed in the air, in the birds that sang brightly in the branches, and most especially in the fragrant scent that emanated from the well that occupied his attention.

      Her scent had faded slightly as the day had progressed, the wind taking it and blowing it away, but now it was back and refreshing him, lending him the emotional control it took to calm his mind.  His fangs flashed briefly as a smile stretched across his face.  Her returning always brought him relief and he found himself seldom able to hide it, except perhaps if the others were in the vicinity.  It was only Kagome though, and she smelled so good.

       Relishing the flavor her scent gave the air he wondered if she knew how concerned he grew when she went to her time, especially when she left without him.  There were dangers in her world, some she wasn't aware of and many that he did not know or understand, and some little part of him feared that he would loose her to one of those dangers.  But she was at the bottom of the well, that ridiculous sack likely bulging at her feet, and probably awaiting his assistance, so he easily banished those faint lingering feelings of foreboding.

      "Oi, Kagome!" He called, leaping down into the well to scoop up her bag and her as well.

      Every time she came back was a reassurance that she cared, that she would always come back to him if it was in her power to do so.  Feeling her arms wrapped around his neck, one of his arms about her waist while his other hoisted her bag, he could hardly repress the smile that tugged at his lips.  Someday, he supposed, he could tell her some of the things he wasn't sure if she knew.  But then again, his eyes couldn't hide the brightness that her presence gave them, so it was entirely possible that he didn't need to say any words at all.


End file.
